Mom and I have been walking the emotional tight rope of denial. We'll start talking about me leaving and get a little choked up then all of a sudden we'll start talking about something completely different...like how cute Waffles looks when she's chasing flies or something. I can't really talk to Mom about my anxieties because she's having the same ones.

 

So, my mom is having one of her "bad" days (which turn into bad weeks which turn into bad months) and she's crying on the couch. When I see my mom crying on her couch it usually is due to two things: 1> She's sad about Ryan; or 2> She's feeling low about herself. In either situation, I sit with her and hold her hand. If the crying is due to Ryan we share stories and memories and have a little cry about it and all is better. If she is feeling low about herself then I take her hand and give her a pep talk. "Mom, you are a very valuable human being. You've raised a capable daughter, and wonderful son. You have saved the lives of eight little doggies and did a couragious thing by quiting a job you knew like the back of your hand and then started a whole new job!"

 

I am very good at doing these talks. I am a good daughter.

 

But this time it wasn't because of Ryan or low self-esteem that she was crying. She looked up at me with her eyes all red and cried out, "You are so beautiful!" Sob...Sob...Sob..."And now you are leaving...and what am I going to do now?" That's what my mother had said to me. "What am I going to do? What is there for me now? I guess I'll just have to wait for grandchildren."

 

Grandchildren? Okay, let me get this straight...I graduate from college and the next parental expectation for me to meet is to procreate??? Yikes! Not getting an apartment, or finding Mr. Right but to produce children.

 

My dad said something similar...saying that he's looking forward to me having kids. "You know, you can be a single mom these days and still be okay."

 

So, Alaska is out the door and getting preggers is in!

 

Just kidding...

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My graduation was great. I didn't think I would but I got a little nervous approaching the stage. It was nice to go and walk across the stage. My grandmother attended. Apparently, I'm the only Harms grandchild to have her attend their graduation. I was honored. I'm also the last grandchild who will be graduating. Neat!

 

The graduation party was really nice. I had lots and lots of friends and my whole family was there. I love having my Dad and Mom under one roof. Isn't that sad? That for me only very special occasions allow for both my parents to occupy the same space?

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I had lunch the other day with an old and almost forgotten friend. I was surprised that all these  old feelings came back sitting across from him. I'd forgotten how wonderful and kind his eyes are. We talked about his life...my life. I got to tell all my fabulous stories. When we hugged good-bye...I realized how much I want to be his friend and continue to get to know him.

 

My heart was a flutter for two hours afterwards. Old feelings...youthful feelings...happy feelings all swimming around in my chest like goldfish in a tank too small.

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So, my friends, this will be my last entry written in the comforts of scorching Bakersfield. Next time I'll be writing about my new job, my new apartment and my new life.

 

Good-bye...wish me luck...maybe say a little prayer...

Love Always,

Chelsea